Fun With Twilight!

Subject: Fun With Twilight! Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:02 pm

For all you Twilight haters (and maybe lovers who want a good laugh), let's post parodies and other funny things. Like how many times Bella calls Edward 'dazzling'. Here's a parody I found:

"Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my face. His golden eyes glowed with love.

“How do you like it?” he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.

I couldn’t respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike creature before me.

He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, “Don’t be difficult, Bella!”

I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold, pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.

“Come here,” he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements I’d grown accustomed to. “I want to show you something.”

He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel.

Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white, smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. I’d never seen Edward’s feet before. I hadn’t realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to his beauty.

My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.

Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite chest. “Bella? Bella!” he screamed. “No!”

The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body. “Edward!” I gasped.

His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.

The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.

“Will you answer a question?” I asked.

“Of course, my love, my life, my forever,” Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.

“I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.”

Edward smirked. “Because it was a stupid question. We don’t turn into bats. Why would we want to turn into bats?”

“But can you turn into something?”

“Of course.” He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.

When I awoke, Edward was speaking.

“—for disguise.”

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“I said, we turn into fruit. It’s great for disguising yourself.” He watched me carefully, to see if this revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from him.

“Oh.” I said. “What kind of fruit?”

He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. “An apple.”

“Oh. Can I see?”

Rage colored his features. “No! Why can’t you understand? I’m a danger to you! I could kill you! I should leave you forever!” He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me and held on tight, refusing to let go. “I should go – right now! It’s the only way to keep you safe!”

Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. “No, Edward! Don’t leave me! I know we’ve only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!” "...

Only you can read the rest at http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html . XD

"BELLA: My life stinks so much! I chose to move to a stupid town in Washington and I’m whining about it the whole way! My dad is sweet and generous and caring and works hard for me and still loves my mom but I totally hate him and refuse to see him as my father, I’m just going to call him by his first name, because he’s obviously such a jerk.

FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL: Hi!

BELLA: @#*&%4! I HATE YOU.

FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL: :(

ERIC: Hi I’m a friendly person! But I have oily hair and pimples.

BELLA: Oh ew. Go away.

EVERYONE ELSE: OMG you are so cool and we all love you!

BELLA: You’re all lame, go away.

PRETTY PEOPLE: *ignore her*

BELLA: OH MY GOSH THEY’RE SO COOL AND JUST LIKE ME, WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS. They’re like albinos just like me only I’m not albino and I’m overusing that horrible horrible joke! Who ARE they?

GIRL WHO BELLA DOES NOT DEEM IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO REMEMBER: *boring history about them*

BELLA: HOLY CRAP they are SO INTERESTING.

GIRL WHO IS SUDDENLY NAMED JESSICA: Well I guess so. They are also new, by the way.

BELLA: *gasp* We’re like soul mates. Who is that one, the prettiest?

JESSICA: Too pretty to date, also known as Edward.

BELLA: I LOVE HIM.

NEXT CLASS: I HAVE EDWARD YAY.

BELLA: Yay!

EDWARD: *FURY GLARE OUT OF NOWHERE*

BELLA: D: But my hair smells like strawberries.

EDWARD: You’re icky.

THER GUY BELLA DOESN’T CARE ABOUT: I’m Mike and we have the next class together!

BELLA: Ew, Edward’s prettier than you.

MIKE: He hates you, though. It’s pretty much obvious. If I sat next to you, I would have proposed marria-- er, talked to you.

BELLA: Whatever, nerd.

THE OFFICE: Look, I have Edward!

BELLA: Yay then I’m here too!

EDWARD: I don’t like that stinky chick and would like to switch classes.

BELLA: :( But I love you.

EDWARD: Ugh, you’re here. I'm outta this place. "

Edward's Guide to Picking Up Melodramatic Chicks:
" Now that you've selected the one girl right for you, do not compromise until you've made her yours. This is the path you take to secure complete ownership of her...
1. First, wear dark clothing and have an emo haircut.
2. Whenever she is around with friends, stare at her endlessly with a very creepy look on your face. If she notices, don't look away. Keep staring.
3. Upon speaking to her for the first time, ask her extremely personal questions. Then walk away abruptly.
4. If she comes near, make sure to look noticeably revolted by her.
5. When you do talk to her, be very pushy, rude, and act like a total jerk. Contradict yourself constantly.
6. When the time is right, run into her and yell at her to watch where she's walking in front of her friends.
7. Never be afraid to remind her what a psycho stalker you really are.
8. Call her your personal addictive substance. Trust me, they love it.
9. Sneak into their room and watch them sleep.
10. Once you have established you are interested in them, let them know you are totally engrossed in them, and there is no escaping you.
11. And when in doubt, it helps to go after the mentally unstable ones with daddy issues.
12. Never buy her a dog.

Now you know my secrets to owning a woman. If you don't believe me, see my Chris Brown celebrity endorsement. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pasty-white girl to go dazzle. "

Bella : *Whispers* You're a vampire...?

Edward : *Whispers* No... not really. I just play way to much World of Warcraft.

Bella *shockedface*

Credit to Smosh on YT and Nookers for posting it.

So. Find more kid-friendly Twilight pics and parodies not copyrighted and I SHALL POST THEM HERE!

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:10 pm

That second one was great! xD

Of course, that part where he 'casually broke boulders with his toes' was funny too. :P
Anyway, I have nothing to contribute at the moment, so I'm out of here...except for saying...

WHY DO ALL THE GIRLS LOVE ROBERT WHATEVERHISNAMEIS? HE LOOKS DRUGGED ALL THE TIME! [/rant]

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:12 pm

Thank you! XD I was worried I was the only one who thought he looked high. XD

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:24 pm

lolz. Second one SO FUNNY!

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:29 pm

Edward turning into an apple is just ANOTHER reason for people to like JACOBWEREWOOFYBLACK, who is much better then Edward. xDD

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:31 pm

My personal favorite is Ed's guide. X3

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:37 pm

that one was the pwnzorz!

They're over 9000! Posts : 10134 Join date : 2008-03-26

Ok. I didn't come up with this.

Credit to Smosh of Youtube.

This is the part in the book where they're in the forest and Edwards telling her about what he is.
______

Bella : *Whispers* You're a vampire...?

Edward : *Whispers* No... not really. I just play way to much World of Warcraft.

Bella *shockedface*

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Thu Oct 15, 2009 5:16 pm

'Girl who is suddenly named Jessica-' xD made me lol.

these are great!

One Special Member! Posts : 6289 Join date : 2008-08-09

It was all funny except the first one of Edward's guide, cuz that was kinda offensive.
But still awesome.

*Sigh* Sockey, dont be so naive, it's because Robert Pattinson always IS high!

That's what JASPER is my ficional boyfriend. Because, well, to put it in non-offensive wording, Edward is uglyy and likes men :3

JASPER AND JACOB 4EVA!

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:03 am

MIST! MIST! MIST! MIST! *football stadium cheer*

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:41 am

LOL Misty sors, I didn't mean to offend you. X3 It's just he's all, "I LOOOOVE YOU," and then he's dressed all emo. And then the next day he's like, "I HATE THE WORLD!". XD

One Special Member! Posts : 6289 Join date : 2008-08-09

*High fives subby*

HEY! Don't make fun of the emos. Emo people pwn, I have a few emo friends and then there's ME! I just prove the pwning theory xD

Spoiler:

Yah, sorry about that huge paragraph, just had some things to clear up :3 lol

Subject: Re: Fun With Twilight! Mon Oct 19, 2009 1:43 pm

I love the Edward's guide! xD

2, 9, and 12 made me lol. :P