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 :;"<<Shattered>>";:

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Breyercrazy52
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PostSubject: :;"<<Shattered>>";:   Fri Jun 10, 2011 6:36 pm

Main Characters:

Melissa Colth
[spoiler][img]http://i54.tinypic.com/2qjwt9v.jpg[/img][/spoiler]
Jake Fin
[spoiler][img]http://i54.tinypic.com/vaqub.jpg[/img][/spoiler]
Sarah Smith
[spoiler][img]http://i56.tinypic.com/4g4y6w.jpg[/img][/spoiler]
Quin Wilchar
[spoiler][img]http://i51.tinypic.com/m96ihe.jpg[/img][/spoiler]

In this story each chapter likes to focuse on on character one chapter might be about Melissa while the other Quin.



Intro:
[spoiler][size=18]Dreams are mean't to be filled no matter who has dreamed them. If anything at least remebe them. No one has ever lived without [i]dreams[/i].As any other story this one begins with characters. They are Melissa,Jake,Sarah, and Quin. All of them are confused by life as it is they are in the 7th grade. They have there secrets but most likley more secrets than the average person The Dreams can filled but will they live up to them?[/size][/spoiler]

Chapter 1

[spoiler][size=18]Although Melissa had been sitting the chair all day her back didn't hurt one bit. The seconds ticked by and she changed her sitting postion in class. The annoying kids passed there notes in the back and chattered about different topics. The teacher opened her mouth to talk, "Alright Class! Write down tonight's homework! We have to.." her words faded to Melissa she didn't here the rest. She got up and packed her stuff up. She rode the bus home and she was annoyed with a boy on her bus named JT. "Oh it's Melissa! Wait why am i excited she's a dork!" the bus bursted into laughter. "Well JT I know why your excited because I'm a Dork like you!" she said trying to think of her next come back. JT shut his mouth. The bus was filled with "oohs" and laughter trying to be contained.She got off at her stop and walked home, brushing her hair back from her face . Jake who had been on her bus strode up. "What's wrong Colth?" he caleld her by her last name. "Nothing just yourjerkish friend." she replied thinking of Jt. It was true Jake and Jt hung out a lot. "He is a jerk but..." he stopped, "But what?!" Melissa snapped, "He can be useful for getting into the tables where the popluar kids sit." she said, "Oh yea JT gets you a table I think I might faint! she said sarcasticly as she rolled her brown eyes. She walked a little faster to get away from him when she got home she did her normal routine, Wash the dishes, eat some food, and then do homework. After that she would hang out ont he couch and eat dinner and if she was lucky she'd have time to go on the computer to go on a website. Life for Melissa could be complicated but she didn't mind[/size][/spoiler]

Chapter 2(not done)
Jake walked home,his legs hurt. JT had been a real jerk,what was he going to do about it though? He slowly walked his head looking in front of him. Jake began to think more about what he had read. He was reading a book about shapeshifters. He wanted to be be one he thought of a lion, and how cool it would be to shapeshift into one.


Last edited by Breyercrazy52 on Thu Jun 16, 2011 7:06 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Lan Fan
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PostSubject: Re: :;"<<Shattered>>";:   Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:32 pm

Wow... I know a Sarah Smith! :O
I can tell your grammar has improved. There are many more capitals where they need to be. But you still need to work on punctuation. I noticed some lack of periods and commas where they're needed -- for example, at the very end of chapter 1. Periods should be used at the end of every sentence, and generally, a sentence describes one action. Commas are used in pauses, between objects in a list, or a slight difference in subject. For example:

Quote :
Jt shut his mouth the buss was filled with "Oohs" and laughter trying to be contained.

This is called a "run-on" sentence because it can be seen as two sentences smooshed into one without a period in between. In this case, either a period or a semicolon (the latter of which is more advanced) would go in between the two complete thoughts, so it would normally look like "JT shut his mouth. The bus was filled with "oohs" and laughter trying to be contained."

Quote :
She stepped up as the bus was coming to a halt she got off her stop and walked home brushing her hair back from her face.

This one is a little tougher, since it's lacking both a period and a few commas. In this case, a period would go in between the two actions -- "the bus was coming to a halt," and "she got off at her stop" -- and commas would divide the sentence into parts between actions -- "She got off at her stop and walked home, brushing her hair back from her face." Otherwise, it sounds like she was "home brushing" her hair back from her face.

I suggest, to help you remember these, to write as if you're talking; where you would pause, put a comma, and at the end of a complete thought or action, put a period.
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Breyercrazy52
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PostSubject: Re: :;"<<Shattered>>";:   Sat Jun 11, 2011 10:17 am

Thanks Lan Fan Really thanks! Big Smile
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