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 Shake it down.1

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Namie

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PostSubject: Shake it down.1   Fri Feb 11, 2011 8:56 pm

Breeze!Virus!Hate!Fury!Kantell!Fort!Forest!And Dare!! mewed the deputy saying all the name coming to the fight.His dusty brown tabby pelt streaked with red and blue markings.That was the marking for his part in the clan.My markings where the red marking all over me with two blue ones over my tail.The chains rubbed up on my fur.My calico fur sleek and thin from the never ending heat.The metal collar around my throat uncomfortable.My eyes green. okay you vermin get your tails over to the exit and don't try anything funny!
Deadheart shouted in command.Breeze stepped up.He had been broken.Broken all the way.But if he came back the way he uset to be he could get out.He could get away.He walked stiffly to the exit eyes lowered.Tail down.Hate and fury the two twin brothers stepped up.Born slaves.They where born broken.Fury walked up behind Breeze.Eyes mad.Hate walked up next he was much smaller then his twin brother tho.There pelts looked the same one them set them apart other then size by look.Hate had a spot over one eye.White and black.Tabby pelts.With a miss placed spot on hate's left eye.There collars chained together.Fort walked out of the crowd put in slavery for setting my big brother go.He held his head high.Fury fire burning in his eyes.His grey look with one white paw and a black tail tip.Blood red eyes looked round.His collar snug on his neck chained to festive his mate.
She was still a warrior not a slave.She was white with blue ice chip eyes.he walked up to fury.He walked behind her growling and cursing under his breath.Forest and kantell stepped up.Kantell was a black cat with red eyes.Forest was a big tom dark grey.With light grey tabby stripes.Green eyes.DeadHeart looked around his black fur stained red.Dare i said you! he shouted getting madder by the minute.His red eyes looked on FIRE!My father Breeze stepped out of line.with All do respect DeadHeart but she is only a kit why does she have to fight? he asked ears down.DeadHeart snapped around.cause she was picked to fight!!!! he turned back to the crowd.Dare come here! he said trying to calm down realizing he was dealing with a kit this time.I walked out of the crowd my ears down.Tail dragging in the dirt.DeadHeart breathed in You see Dare you are lucky cause star believes you can win the fight. he mewed twitching his tail.O-ok i stampered softly.now get in line you two. he nodded to the line of cat slaves waiting for the blood to spill and the fight to begin.


Last edited by Namie on Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Lan Fan
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PostSubject: Re: Shake it down.1   Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:05 pm

This sounds like it could be a cool story. It sounds like kind of fantasy warriors, since there are some strange colors in the pelts? I haven't seen this before. But the fact that it's all one paragraph of text makes it look kind of un-neat and too long, so you should probably separate it into multiple paragraphs. Also, be careful about fragments and complete sentences; for example:

Quote :
She was white.With blue ice chip eyes.

This seems a little strange in rhythm and could probably be combined into one sentence: "She was white with blue ice-chip eyes." Keep an eye out for that, too.

Also, excessive capitals can be a little annoying to read. Try emphasizing the harsh ones with italics or things like '"...And don't try anything funny!" Deadheart shouted with all his might.'

Oh, and just to let you know, usually bright blue and red are reserved as "mod-and-admin" colors, though it's not a written rule.
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Namie

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PostSubject: Re: Shake it down.1   Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:13 pm

ooooo i dint know that i'll edit it thank you ^-^
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PostSubject: Re: Shake it down.1   Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:20 pm

No problem. ^^ Honestly I don't really know why either, but I follow it anyway, and I guess it's a way for people to differ between official announcements and regular ones...

I definitely think you should keep writing. The plotline sounds quite interesting. I like how the first part makes people want to see what happens next.
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Namie

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PostSubject: Re: Shake it down.1   Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:30 pm

Big Smile Thank you!I love writing.Thank you Very Much!!!!!! Big Smile Excited I can fly! fallowing in my uncles foot steps i am ^_^ and i'm loving it!cant wait till i get another surge of thought. Hmm.. what will i make happen...
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