This sounds like it could be a cool story. It sounds like kind of fantasy warriors, since there are some strange colors in the pelts? I haven't seen this before. But the fact that it's all one paragraph of text makes it look kind of un-neat and too long, so you should probably separate it into multiple paragraphs. Also, be careful about fragments and complete sentences; for example:
- Quote :
- She was white.With blue ice chip eyes.
This seems a little strange in rhythm and could probably be combined into one sentence: "She was white with blue ice-chip eyes." Keep an eye out for that, too.
Also, excessive capitals can be a little annoying to read. Try emphasizing the harsh ones with
italics or things like '"...And don't try anything funny!" Deadheart shouted with all his might.'
Oh, and just to let you know, usually bright blue and red are reserved as "mod-and-admin" colors, though it's not a written rule.